I've loved dancing always. I've always wanted to be a
dancer. And finally, my dreams came true. But when I heard where I would be dancing, I had
to sit down and take a deep breathe.
-Background dancer for Backstreet Boys, you heard me! My personal dancing teacher, Tom,
said.
-No way... They haven't even seen me dancing. I said to him.
-They will, today. Actually in about 10 minutes the choreographer will come here. He said
glancing to his watch.
-But they have all the dancers already! I still couldn't believe him.
-One of them got in to an accident and the doctor said she would never be dancing again.
He told me.
-That's sad. I was really confused.
-But now, you have to start warming up. You still remember your dance routine? He said,
teasing me, because he knew I couldn't forget the routine. I remembered it even in my
dreams.
I stood up and started warming up. I danced the easier dance routine, which was my
"warming up" dance. I've been dancing it as long as I've been under his
teaching.
Soon Tom came in and one other man followed him. They were chatting about something and
then they both glanced at my direction and continued talking. Butterflies started flying
in my stomach. Am I good enough? I thought.
Then Tom came to have a word with me.
-OK, are you ready? He asked.
I nodded silently.
-Then, show him!! He said, smiling, trying to encourage me. I smiled weakly to him and
when he walked away I settled to my starting position. I closed my eyes, and when I heard
first beats of the song, I started feeling more confident.
I danced my whole routine with passion, that I've had my whole life. All the moves went
great and when I finally ended the routine and heard applause by the choreographer and
Tom, I could smile with relief. I had done my best, and if that wasn't enough, then I
didn't care.
I took my towel from the floor and took a sip from my water bottle. Both men started
walking at my direction and by the look on Toms face, I knew I had impressed the
choreographer.
-Wow. Was first word from the choreographer.
-You sure have capability to be in BSB group. So what do you say? He said smiling.
-You mean, I'm getting the place, I said, looking at him amazed. When he nodded I started
smiling.
-So, it's a deal? He said, extending his hand to my direction. I grabbed it and shook it.
-Yes! When I released my hand I jumped on Toms neck. I hugged him and laughed.
My biggest dream became true. But I didn't know by then what was waiting for me.
-Hey wake up!!! Nicholas Gene Carter! Do I need to kick
you big dumb ass before you get up! I heard Brians voice through my dreams. He was
laughing and trying to wake me up. But I was in the middle of my dream and I didn't want
to wake up.
-I was in the middle of a great dream! I said yawning.
-I bet you were! Well tell me, what was that about? He said, looking at me and grinning.
-It was about our new dancer, you know, who will take my dancers place... I told him
-OK. You seem to be really nervous about meeting your new dancer. That explains the dream.
But it doesn't mean that you can sleep whole day. He said, punching me softly to my arm. I
smiled at him.
-I know I know... What time is it? I asked him.
-10:00 am. He said, trying to hide his smile.
-You call that late! Man! I said looking at him and trying to sound terrified. But I
couldn't help it, I burst out on laugh. Then I started dressing up.
-So when we are going to meet that new dancer? I asked Brian.
-In two hours. I've heard she impressed our choreographer. So I think she's really good.
-We'll see that soon. I said, pulling my basketball shoes on. -Let's go! I'm hungry!! I
said, pulling him out of the room.
We walked to the room where they served our breakfast. It wasn't actually kitchen but
something like that. I ate with Brian, who tried to have a chat with me but I couldn't
stop thinking about my dream.
-Hey old buddy old pal! Wake up! Brian said, snapping his fingers in front of my face.
-Oh, sorry! What were you saying? I said.
-I was just asking are you finished? He said, again smiling at me.
-Yeah, in a second, I answered putting the rest of the bread in my mouth. -Let's go, I
said my mouth still filled with food.
We walked to the other room where AJ, Howie and Kevin already were, sitting on the sofa
chatting with our choreographer. When we entered the room, he turned at us.
-Good that you came. He said to us. -OK. Let's discuss about our today's work. As you all
know you are going to meet your new background dancer today.
Me and Brian sat down to the other sofa, listening what Dan, our choreographer said.
-We don't know much about her, but she's not American. Her name is Sabrina.
-And she comes from where?? Canada? I said, sounding a bit nervous. -Can she even speak
English so we can understand her? I continued. Brian punched me to my side again.
Dan smiled at me.
-Somebody seems to be a bit nervous... No, she doesn't come from Canada. She comes from
Finland. And yes, she can speak English. Actually she speaks very fluent and good
English.
-She comes from, where?? Finland! Geesh!! What is she like then, you know, since she's
lived with the polar bears and Eskimos? Is she even normal?? I couldn't be quiet. I though
my new dancer would be American like all the others.
Everyone started laughing, even Dan.
-You sure don't know much geography... There's not polar bears or Eskimos in Finland. And
she's totally normal, you'll see!! Dan told me. -Try to relax.
-I'm trying, I'm trying, I mumbled.
I was standing on stage, stretching my muscles. Today
was the BIG day. I would finally meet the members of Backstreet Boys. I surely knew who
they were, since I was a fan of them. And that made me even more nervous. I rose up and
nodded to Dan and pushed the play button. Familiar music started coming from speakers and
I felt my body responding to every beat which came. I started my routine and close my
eyes. I concentrated totally to my dance, so I didn't see five guys behind the stage
watching me dancing.
I let the flow take me and didn't mind about anything else in the world. I had found the
greatest feeling in earth and at the same time, way to express my feelings. I knew I
danced well and I smiled inside. This is really what I have always dreamed of! I thought.
* * *
-Wow, she's really good, I heard Brian whispering to my ear. I couldn't even nod. The way
she moved her body had impressed me. I couldn't move my eyes away from her. Her red braids
flew in the air when she moved her head from side to side. She looked extremely beautiful
though I decided that I wouldn't admit it to anyone.
When music finally stopped and she finished her routine, Brian and rest of the fellows
started applauding her. I didn't.
She seemed to get scared when she saw that we were watching there. She turned around
quickly but didn't move. AJ pushed me aside and walked to the stage and went to greet her.
Rest of us followed him, even I though I didn't want to. I couldn't admit that I had been
really nervous. But I was even more nervous now when I had seen her dancing.
When we got closer to her, I realized how tiny she was. She couldn't be more than 5'0 or
few inches more. She had looked more beautiful from distance, but she wasn't ugly either.
She looked at us with serious look on her face, which was covered with sweat.
-Howdy, I'm AJ, AJ said and extended his hand to her. He smiled at her, and when she
squeezed his hand, she started smiling too.
-Sabrina.
-Hello, I'm Brian, he said, also squeezing her hand and then he introduced the rest of us.
-This one here is Howie, and this one's Kevin.
-Nice to meet you both, she said with nearly perfect English and shook both of their
hands.
-And here, last but not least our smallest bro, Nick, Brian said, grinning at my
direction. I couldn't be impolite and not to shake her hand like the others. So I shook
her hand.
* * *
I squeezed his hand smiling, but when I looked at his ice cold ice, the smile dropped off.
I felt shivers going through my spine. Not good start, I thought. Why did he look so
angry?
Other guys didn't notice anything and they were really nice towards me.
-So have you already learnt any of our dance routines, Brian, Nicks buddy asked.
-Nope, not yet. But I'm looking forward to! I said smiling at him. -Whose personal
background dancer I'm going to be? I asked, because Dan hadn't told that to me yet. I knew
it was Nick's background dancer who got in to that accident but still I wasn't sure, would
I be his dancer. And now I really didn't want to be. He seemed to be more interested on
checking his pockets than being interested chatting with me.
-You'll be Nick's. First we thought we would make little changes with dancers, you know,
because your so short, but then we decided that it doesn't matter and it would be easier
to rest of us if we didn't have change our dancers.
I nodded him silently. Smile died from my face. This will get really hard. He hate's me
already. I thought. I tried to look at Nick's eyes, but when he looked at me and noticed
that I was looking at him, he turned his head away. I sighed.
-How tall you exactly are, Nick finally spoke something. I looked at him, straight in his
blue eyes.
-5'2
-Oh. Nick said turning his eyes away. -I thought you were that short.
I looked at him, and I couldn't keep my mouth closed.
-You've got problem with that? I said, and I knew I sounded rather aggressive when saying
that. But my shortness was one thing which made me angry.
He rolled his head as saying no.
-Good, I said. -Excuse me, I said to the rest of the guys and turned around and ran to the
dressing room. I've had enough of him for today.
As soon she ran away, guys turned at me, looking really
angry.
-Did you have to be so rude, AJ asked from me.
-Yes I did. I said to him.
-It's really great that you are trying to make her welcome, AJ continued.
-Well, at least I wasn't the first one running at her. I said.
-Guys guys. Calm down, you two. Howie, our peacemaker came between us. I felt rather bad
inside though. I really wanted to get to know her, but now I had made myself look like
total fool.
I turned around and marched to our own dressing room. Brian followed me.
-Hey, what's wrong with you? I could see from you expression when you looked at her
dancing that you liked her. But why did you act that way? He asked.
-I don't know. Maybe I'm just pissed off when some ugly shortie is going to be my
background dancer.
Brian tried to message something with his eyes, but I was too angry and I just continued.
-I don't give a damn if she goes back where she came from.
Now Brian looked at me really angry and pointed behind me. I turned around slowly and saw
Sabrina standing behind me and tears falling from her green eyes. She looked at me and
seemed to be really hurt by my rude words. She turned around and ran away.
When I turned back to Brians direction he looked at me and seemed to be really angry.
-So, are you now pleased? You really managed to make her uncomfortable. Then he walked out
of the room and slammed the door close after him.
I dropped to the chair next to me. I felt really bad. Why did I have to say things I
didn't even mean. She's not necessarily like my old dancer. I thought.
My former dancer had broken my heart. I was only happy when she wasn't dancing as my
background dancer anymore, though I can't say I was happy when she got in to
accident.
I felt so bad that I started crying. And there was no one to comfort me. Which was
probably right to me. I had been so impolite to Sabrina.
I ran back to the dressing room, tears falling from my
eyes. That's it! I'm not going to stay here, I thought. I don't care if this once in a
life time opportunity if on first day I'm offended twice in row. I thought I was worth
more. But it seems to be that I'm not. I'm going home! I continued.
I fell on the floor and let the tears come freely, not trying to stop them. I heard how
someone opened the door but I didn't care. That someone kneeled next to me and tenderly
hugged me.
-Go on, let the tears come, the voice said and I recognized it was Brian. I wrapped my
arms around him and just cried. He held me close and when I finally stopped crying, he
wept last tears from my cheeks.
-I know this might not be the best time to talk you about Nick, but I think you should
know. His former dancer broke his heart in really rude way. Nick had crush on her and she
didn't tell Nick that she already was dating another guy. She just let Nick think she
liked him back. But when he finally found out she was just playing with him, he was
shocked. And from then on he hasn't trusted girls. Brian paused. -And I think his thinking
that you are just like his former dancer. He continued.
I looked at him and I knew he was telling the truth.
-But still it doesn't give him the right to be rude to me. I said to Brian.
-Yes, that's right. But I'm asking you, please try to understand. And please, don't play
with his heart. He's got enough of that already. Brian said looking deep in to my eyes.
Then he rose on his feet and pulled me up.
-Give him a chance to apologies.
I nodded silently. But I was still hurt by his rude words. Brian hugged me once more and
then walked at the door.
-I think we will have to practise our dances today. We will have concerts really soon and
you have to learn all those dances before that. He said. -So, I'll see you on stage in
hour, OK?
-Yes. See you then! I said to him. Then he went out and closed the door behind him. I
changed my dancing clothes on and decided to go on stage and ask if Dan had time to teach
those routines already to me. I took my water bottle and towel with me and walked out.
* * *
It took a while when I stopped crying. I was all alone and I hated the feeling. Brian was
angry to me and so was Sabrina who didn't even know me. And I guess rest of the fellows
were too. 'I have to apologies her.' I thought. I washed my face with cold water, so marks
that I had been crying wouldn't be so obvious. Then I walked out of the dressing room and
went to search for Sabrina.
I heard music coming from stage, and I went to see who was there. I saw Sabrina and Dan,
practising one of our routines. She had been learning them just for few minutes but
already it went rather well. 'She's so beautiful', I found myself thinking. 'But I
shouldn't be thinking so. I know what will happen from that. I just get my heart broken
again', I continued.
I stayed there and watched them dancing. I thought I was hiding well, that she couldn't
see me, but when she finished, on last position she was her face turned right at my
direction. And she saw me. And turned around immediately.
I decided that this was my chance to apologies her. So I gathered all pieces of my dignity
and walked to her.
-Erm, could we talk? I asked when I reached her. She turned quickly around and her green
eyes were flaming with anger.
-Haven't you already hurt me enough? She asked. I could look straight to her eyes and I
held my head down.
-I have. But that's why I'm here. Please, forgive my rude words. I was really out of line.
I'm really sorry! I said and I felt tears burning in my eyes. But I didn't want to cry in
front of her.
-I don't know. I have to think about this little longer. She said. And with that she
walked away. I looked after her and I didn't know what to do. I just sat on the edge of
the stage and wept the escaped tear from my cheek.
I had to turn around when he apologized me. He looked
so sad, but his words had hurt me. I didn't want him to see that I had already forgiven
him. 'It was really near that I didn't kiss him', I found myself thinking. But then I
realized what I had been thinking and I tried to talk sense to myself. 'You will work with
him, so don't try to like him too much!!'. But I knew, it was no use. I was falling deeply
in love. But that was the problem. I didn't want to fall in love with Nick. He was member
of the most famous boy band in whole wide world. And I was just his background dancer, and
how long I would be, I didn't know. I decided to avoid him as much as possible, which was
really difficult because I was his personal dancer.
I went in to dressing room, but I didn't have much time to be there. I just took another
bottle of water and wept off most of the sweat. Then I went back on stage.
Nick was sitting on the edge of that stage, alone. It was still 5 minutes before our
rehearsal was supposed to start. When I entered the stage, he looked over his shoulder but
didn't say anything. Neither did I. I just sat on the stage and I started
stretching.
Other dancers and Brian, AJ, Howie and Kevin came on stage too. When Brian saw me, he
raised his other eyebrow and looked at me with a question in his eyes. I looked him
straight to his eyes, and nodded. He smiled and walked to help me up.
-So you forgave him, he whispered sounding really happy.
-Yeah. But he doesn't know it yet. I said.
-But why? Brian asked looking amazed.
-I told him that I have to think about it. But I really have forgiven him, but please
don't tell him. I will tell him when this rehearsal is over, OK?
-OK. But I still don't get you...
-Don't worry, neither do I, I said smiling to him widely.
-OK people, let's start! Dan came on stage clapping his hands. -Guys, go next to your
dancers. Nick, you too!
Nick was still sitting on the edge of the stage and slowly rose up. Then he walked and
came next to me. He didn't look in to anyone, he just stared the floor. When Dan said that
Nick should try to teach me their dance routine for Larger Than Life, he did as was told
but he didn't have any enthusiasm with it. He just told what I had to do and didn't look
to my eyes.
When our rehearsal finally ended, Nick started heading towards the dressing room with
others, I stopped him.
-I need to talk with you. I said.
* * *
-I need to talk with you, she said, grabbing my sleeve. I looked at her, and she looked
really serious.
-I'm really sorry I didn't answer you when you said you were sorry. But I have forgiven
you! I hope we could try to get along better, you know, since we have to work together.
I looked at her and smiled.
-I guess that's reasonable idea. I really didn't mean those words, and I think I owe you
an explanation why I acted like brat.
I took her hand to mine and pulled her to the edge of the stage. We both sat down and I
told her everything. She looked at me.
-I'm really sorry. I can't understand why she did so.
Neither do I, I thought. But I didn't say anything. I just looked at her, and longer I
looked at her, more attractive she looked like. But then I realized I couldn't think her
in that way. Sure she looked good, but we would be working together.
-But hey, I think I'd better go to shower now, she said and looked at me. Then she
extended her hand and said:
-Friends?
I grabbed her hand and shook it.
-Best friends! And I smiled at her. And this time, I meant those words.
Time went flying, concerts after concerts. I had
learned all the dances and now they were just routine. Though it was hard to dance couple
of hours with only few minutes break, I loved every moment of it. Me and Nick got really
close friends. Of course, Brian was his friend too, but I was one of the closest friends.
When he got problems, he told them to me and we tried to solve them. And when I felt sad,
I had always a shoulder to cry on.
But more time we spent together, more deeply I fell in love with him. I loved his eyes and
he had just so sweet personality. I loved every part of him. But I had to hide it, because
other wise our friend ship would be ruined.
One night, after our concert I was sitting in one of the tourbusses which was in our use.
I watched out of the window where Nick, AJ, Kevin and one of their bodyguards were playing
basketball. I felt really sad. I can't have this kind of pain inside me any longer. I know
that if I tell him, he will start hating me, but I can't hide it anymore.
I heard silent knock on the door and it was opened by Howie.
-May I come in? He asked.
-Sure. I said.
He closed the door behind him and sat next to me.
-I saw you watching them play. He said, glancing through the window where Nick was just
throwing the ball to Kevin, who were in the same team with him. Nick saw us on the window
and waved. We both waved back and for a moment we didn't say anything. We just watched out
of the window, looking at them. I couldn't get my eyes away from Nick. He looked so
handsome. And like Howie had read my mind, he said.
-You seem to like Nick a lot. Then he looked at me, and when I turned my eyes down, he put
his hand on my cheek and lifted my face. I didn't have a choice but to look in to his
eyes.
-I knew it. He said and took his hand away.
-So? I said. -So what if I do? He doesn't know it and it's better this way. Now his my
best friend, and if I tell him, he will start hating me. I said and sighed.
-But what if he feels the same way? Howie said.
-Yeah right... I said and pressed my eyes down again. -Not in million years, I mumbled
silently. But I guess Howie heard.
-He haven't said to me anything about his feelings, but I know it's because he doesn't
want to be disappointed again. But are you serious about him? Do you really love him?
Tears were burning my eyes and I couldn't hold them anymore. I started sobbing and he
pulled me close.
* * *
I was just throwing the ball to Kevin, when I looked to the tourbus. I saw Howie pulling
Sabrina on a hug, and I felt a pain in my chest. I loved her so much and now, Howie was
hugging him.
I pressed my lips tightly together and threw the ball to Kevin and then I walked away. I
couldn't look at them anymore. It hurt me too much.
I marched away and felt really awful. I went in to our own tourbus where Brian was sitting
and reading. I went straight to back of the bus, where was my bed and I got in to that. I
turned my back at Brians direction. I wanted to be alone. I felt tears falling from my
eyes. That much seeing her with someone else hurt. 'I knew this will happen! And there's
nothing wrong with that! She has right to be with him. But it's just that I love her
so'.
I heard Brian putting his book away and walking to the back of the bus and sitting down on
one of the beds.
-Hey Nick. What's the problem? He asked.
-Nothing. Nothing at all, I said.
-Does this have something to do with Sabrina.
-Sabrina... What if it does? I said and I knew I shouldn't be so rude to him, but I just
felt really bad.
-I've seen you looking at her when she's dancing, when she talks to you or what ever she
does. And let me have on wild guess... You're in love with her.
I didn't say anything. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want to lose Sabrina, because
she was my best friend just like Brian. They both meant really much to me.
-You don't have to answer me. I already know. You love her. He said.
I turned around and he was looking at me.
-Please, don't tell her! If she knows, I will lose her! And I don't want to lose her! I
told to Brian and he nodded.
-OK. I'm not going to tell her. But you are. I know she's not in love with Howie. Because
Howie told me that he went to talk with her, because he thinks she's got some kind of
problem. They are just friends, believe me. He said, patting my shoulder. Then he walked
away and I came down from the bed. I blew my nose and sat on the back of the tourbus. It
was just like the other tourbus where dancers were staying.
I looked out from the back window and I saw Howie coming out from the other tour bus and
Kevin running at him. They walked away talking with each other and I knew what they were
talking about when Kevin pointed to our bus.
I decided to do something about this. But what, I didn't want anyone to know.
We had been on road for months and finally it was our
last concert in Orlando. Pressure was up because Orlando is our home town and everybody
wanted everything to work well. We practised our dances and our nerves were really
tight.
We were dancing and they were working with lights, so they knew everything was OK. We were
finishing one of our routines what we danced with our background dancers and the routine
ended with this one move, where our dancers leaned at us and we held them so they didn't
fall to the floor. When we had finished the move, lights went suddenly off. Everyone
started talking at the same time.
Only Sabrina was quiet. I released my hands and she stood up again. But something was
wrong with her. I felt it though I couldn't see her.
And then I remembered. She had told me that she was afraid of dark. And it was really dark
in the arena at the moment. Somebody yelled that they couldn't fix the lights and it would
take about an hour before it would be ready.
I heard somebody sobbing, and I realized it was Sabrina. I searched for her arm and when I
finally found it I pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around my waist and buried his
head to my shirt. I kissed softly her hair and held her tight.
Everyone else was trying to find a way away from the stage, but I didn't want to go. I
wanted the moment to last forever. Somebody found flashlights and Brian came back on stage
searching for me. When he found us he didn't say anything. He showed the light to my face
and I smiled at him. He smiled back and I knew he knew I wanted to be in private with
Sabrina.
I don't know how long we had been standing there but slowly her sobs started ending.
Finally we were just standing there and only the men who took care of the lights were
talking somewhere near.
I slowly moved my other hand to her jaw and lifted her face. Then I pressed my lips on her
and kissed her softly. She wrapped her arms tighter around me and kissed me back.
Just like the lights went off, they came suddenly back. Actually only one spotlight was on
and it happened to right at our place. So there we were, standing in spotlight when
everyone else came back on stage.
We heard applauds and whistles when Brian and other guys and our dancers were clapping
their hands together. We ended our kiss and just looked at each other eyes, both smiling.
And without words, we both knew, we loved each other.
